This essay is based on a conversation with Anu Verma, a 44-year-old trauma recovery coach who lives in Coventry, U.K. It has been edited for length and clarity.
I met Rob while vacationing with friends in Ibiza, Spain in 2014. I was going through a breakup at the time and Rob was out with friends for a bachelor party.
After I returned to the UK, Rob continued to keep in touch by phone and visited regularly. I kept telling him I wasn’t ready, but eventually his persistence paid off and we started dating. I told him I wanted to take it slow.
I felt safe around him.
I struggled with trust, communication, and anxiety. We argued a lot. I could have broken up, but instead, I solved all my problems bit by bit by apologizing, understanding what happened, and learning from it.
We got to a good place and felt really happy for each other.
By 2017 we were married and bought a house. A year later, in 2018, I gave birth to our son, Noah.
As soon as Noah was born, my mental health deteriorated. I became depressed and anxious. The fact that we lived far away from each other and were far from our support network made the situation worse.
Feeling like a terrible mother, I decided to quit my job to focus on caring for Noah full time. I had always been an independent woman with my own money, and suddenly, I was no longer that person. I had completely lost my identity.
We decided to move back home to live with my parents, but that wasn’t good for my mental health. In my head, I began to see Rob as a lazy, irresponsible guy. Those thoughts weren’t logical, but they were true in my mind at the time.
I filed for divorce
In June 2019, while Rob was visiting his mother, I suddenly started the divorce proceedings online. In the UK, all you have to do is fill out the reasons for filing for divorce and pay £500 (about $650). The next day, Rob received the divorce papers in the mail.
He called me and asked where this decision came from and why I hadn’t told him before, but my mind was made up: he was moving in with his mother and I was getting my own house for Noah and me.
For a year, I looked after Noah during the week and Rob looked after him on the weekends.
I spent time in therapy this past year. It was healing and I felt so much better by the time it ended. During the therapy, it was suggested that I may have had postpartum depression after giving birth to Noah.
We started dating again
Rob and I started dating again. I quickly realized the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I kept comparing everyone to Rob, and nothing ever worked out.
When the pandemic started, I asked Rob if he would come stay with me for the weekend to see Noah. It was a very lonely time and I didn’t want to be away from Noah. Rob agreed.
Without the pressure of marriage, our friendship grew stronger. We danced together in the kitchen, spent hours in the garden, and went for walks when the sun was out.
After a year of seeing each other almost every weekend, I began to realize I had romantic feelings for Rob, but I knew he was still traumatized by me. As my feelings grew stronger, I knew I had to talk to him to find out if he was willing to get romantically involved again. I called him and his first response was basically “absolutely not.” For six months, I held it in, and by the summer of 2021, we were back together.
Just a few months later, Eva was pregnant and we bought another house together, this time closer to my parents.
Even though we love each other and have children together, I will not remarry Rob. I am a free person at heart and the thought of being tied down makes me shudder. Even hearing the words “settle down” makes me mad.
Being with someone isn’t about a marriage certificate or being classified as a couple by the government. True love and connection is about the feelings you have for each other, the way you miss each other, and the connection of your souls and God.
