Fanflation. Slow shopping. Budget out loud. We live in an age where there’s a fancy word for every personal finance habit or trend.
While many of these phenomena affect us as individuals, some have a strong impact on other people in our lives. One example is a rather insidious practice called “stealth shopping.”
To help prevent its negative effects, we asked personal finance experts and clinical psychologists to analyze “stealth shopping” and give their advice on preventing it.
What is Stealth Shopping?
“If you’ve ever purchased something secretly and then hidden the purchase or lied about the amount you paid, that’s ‘stealth shopping,’ and it’s a lot more common than people realize,” Molly Barrett, a clinical psychologist and adjunct professor at the University of Southern California, told HuffPost.
Essentially, stealth shopping is the act of hiding your purchases from those you care about. Of course, this isn’t the same as buying surprise gifts or buying items for yourself and giving yourself free reign over your bank account. Rather, it’s about being intentionally secretive about major or regular purchases that affect your household.
“Stealth shopping is often done to avoid confrontation over spending habits or to spend money without being judged by your partner,” Barrett explains. “The judgement might be about the amount of money spent, the content of the purchase, or how often you buy.”
She noted that some people shop to relieve stress or get a dopamine boost, which can lead to a sense of satisfaction.
“But if this coping mechanism is used excessively, it can become part of an addictive pattern of hiding purchases out of feelings of shame or denial,” Barrett added.
Stealth shopping has other serious implications.
“While some people may joke about hiding their purchases from their partners, the reality is that being secretive about money is never healthy for a relationship and can lead to more serious financial and romantic problems down the line,” says consumer finance and budgeting expert Andrea Woloch. “While stealth shopping may seem harmless in the moment, it could be a sign of bigger money issues, like impulse spending.”
If you’re worried about your partner seeing you shopping, it could be because you’re overspending, which can get you into debt and undermine your financial goals. Stealth shopping could also be a form of financial infidelity.
“Most dishonesty and deception in relationships is harmful, and stealth shopping may indicate underlying issues with communication, trust or financial responsibility,” Barrett said.
How can we overcome stealth shopping?
“Talk openly about money with your partner and figure out how to align your goals with your budget,” Worock says. “Everyone enjoys different things, so it doesn’t matter how you spend your money or what you buy, as long as you stick to a budget and reach your goals, like savings goals or paying off debt.”
She recommends building “fun money” into your budget. This is an amount that you and your partner can spend on whatever you want each month without any recriminations. The idea is that you have the freedom to spend this amount however you like, without worrying about what your significant other will think or say.
“We recommend that couples who share money agree on spending limits for purchases that are outside of the budget,” Barrett says. “This will provide each partner with healthy financial freedom. If you spend more than the agreed upon amount, make it a rule to discuss the purchase together.”
She also recommended that couples who share finances have full access to all accounts to review transactions and be transparent.
“There are also a number of apps available that can help you easily track your spending, promoting visibility and accountability,” Barrett said.
“Secrets about money are never healthy for a relationship.”
-Andrea Woloch, consumer finance and budgeting expert
We will be open and transparent about any financial issues that arise, whether internal or external.
“If you find yourself using shopping as a coping mechanism and overspending, confide in your partner and ask for their help and accountability,” Barletts urged. “Sharing vulnerable and painful feelings is a shame release that results in increased intimacy in healthy relationships. Talking to a professional, either together or alone, can help you address the underlying emotional needs that are being met by unwise spending.”
Tackling these issues can help you identify the spending triggers that lead to impulse purchases and do what is necessary to avoid them.
“Leave your credit cards at home and shop with cash only, within your budget, so you never spend more than you brought to the store,” advises Wollock, “but regardless of how you pay, you can still earn points with a free rewards app like Fetch, which allows you to upload photos of your receipts and get cash back.”
It’s important to note that stealth shopping may indicate a deeper problem than the urge to overspend.
“Some people engage in stealth shopping because of a toxic level of control in their relationships, where they don’t have the freedom or authority to spend money as they wish, wisely or within healthy limits,” Barrett says.
If you’re stealth shopping just to hide your regular purchases from an overly controlling partner, you need to take a different approach: Instead of trying to suppress nonexistent spending, ask a trusted loved one for help.
“These strategies are only useful in healthy relationships where one or both people have actual harmful or problematic spending habits,” Barrett emphasized. “Using money as a means to control your partner by restricting their access to their money or not allowing them any financial privacy is harmful and potentially abusive.”
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