Any affiliate links to products on this page are from partners who pay us compensation and terms apply to the offers mentioned (see our advertiser disclosure in our partner listings for more information), but our opinions are our own. Find out how we rate products and services to help you make smart decisions with your money.
For Love & Money is a Business Insider column that answers your questions about relationships and money. This week, a parent must decide how much money to leave to their two children. Our columnist says that even if you have hostility toward one child, you should still treat them with love. Have a question for our columnists? Email For Love & Money using this Google form.
Thank you for subscribing!
Access your favorite topics on the go with your personalized feed. Download the App
By clicking “Sign Up”, you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy. You can unsubscribe at any time by visiting your settings page or clicking “unsubscribe” at the bottom of our emails.
For love and money
I’m in the process of updating my will, I have hundreds of thousands of dollars in retirement accounts (my needs will change as I get older), I have a modest home that I’ve paid off and I live frugally.
I set up a small trust for my two grandchildren, but they hate each other. One is 5 years sober after 20 years of drug abuse and now lives with me. The other child profits from my ex-husband and his business. She has been gifted millions of dollars in company stock.
My other child never helps me and barely acknowledges me except to berate me about my siblings, but they requested a bequest in my will.
My child who lives with me can’t inherit anything from his father as punishment for past sins. He has complex health issues including a traumatic brain injury. He is a single mother who maintains my home while working menial jobs to support his child. My child lives with me for free and I act as a surrogate parent for my child and provide all transportation he needs.
I love my kids but I don’t necessarily like them all the time. I hate my situation but I want to do the right thing. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Disappointed Parents
To you who are disappointed
In a recent issue of For Love & Money, we responded to a letter from an adult child who said their parents were treating them like a black sheep in their estate planning. I loved your letter because it shows that there’s always another side to things. We all feel like our choices are right, or at least justified; that’s why we make them in the first place. That’s why it’s important to lead with compassionate curiosity.
I want to start there, for myself. As a mother of young children, future addiction is one of my biggest fears. You have lived this nightmare. You have fought, prayed, spent a lot of money, been in many hospital rooms, had many sleepless nights for years, and finally something worked. Your children are now drug free and have been that way for 5 years.
Your child has managed to get through it, but the wounds run deep and leave scars: wounds from a father removing them from his will, a broken relationship with a sibling, lifelong health issues and a mother who will do anything to stop anything bad from happening.
No matter what your ex-husband or other child says, you’re not spoiling your child by continuing to help him. You’re helping him stay clean and helping your grandchildren live the life they deserve. Your child was drowning and you allowed him to climb into your raft.
But you have two children.
I have very few beliefs for which I would risk my life, and one of them is that parents have an obligation to their children to love them unconditionally. Period. No one else in the world owes you this. No one owes you unconditional love, not a spouse, not a sibling, not a friend, not even a child. But having a child means making a commitment. Yes, I bring a human into this scary world because I promise to always love and protect that child.
You’re right, love and liking are different emotions, and it doesn’t sound like your son has made much effort to be liked in recent years, but looking at the timeline of your story, it might explain why. You said your son struggled with addiction for 20 years, and if you add in the years of sobriety, that’s decades of disruption to your family.
Your ex-husband focused his attention and care on one child and you on the other. The siblings “hate each other.” You mentioned that your child’s addiction issues shortened your life by years, but you could also say that in the larger dynamic of your family, it tore your family in half.
Imagine how your other child felt during this emotional breakdown. My guess is they would have been left behind and overlooked. At best, they would have been treated as a thin-skinned poster child for their less fortunate sibling, and at worst, they would have been forgotten amid the constant drama of rehabs, hospitalizations, and sleepless nights. You said the only time they talk to you is to scold you about your sibling, which sounds to me like they are mad at you and want you to know why.
This is not to say that you should appease them by abandoning the other child, financially or otherwise. But you need to realize that while love and affection are different emotions, the recipient experiences the exact same feelings. One of your children needs money. The other doesn’t. But both children need and deserve your love.
There are several ways to honor both of your children. Keep doing what you do for the children you have living with. Your children’s financial needs will likely outlive you, so plan for them in practical ways, such as naming them as beneficiaries of life insurance and leaving the home you share to them. Setting up a trust for your children is a good example of this. Removing future tuition and wedding expenses from your children’s burden will prepare them for financial independence when you’re gone.
Your other child has millions in stock in the company, so giving them half the money you have left in your retirement account is just a small gesture of kindness. But it’s a gesture they’ll appreciate, regardless of how they treat you. It’s a gesture of kindness that ends with saying, “I know I gave so much of my time, emotional energy, and resources to your siblings. I would do it again to save their lives, and I would do the same for you if you needed me to. But you didn’t. Thank you. I love you.”
I’m rooting for you.
For love and money
Looking for advice about how savings, debt, and other financial issues are affecting your relationships? Contact For Love & Money using this Google form.
Finding a financial advisor doesn’t have to be hard. Use SmartAsset’s free tool to find up to three fiduciary financial advisors serving your area in minutes. Each advisor is vetted by SmartAsset and acts in your best interest according to fiduciary standards. Start your search now.
