On Christmas morning 2020, my family was closer to breaking than it had ever been. The bonds of love and tolerance that had overcome the challenges of interracial marriage stigma, different religions, sexualities and ways of life had somehow reached their limit and were on the brink of collapse.
Considering what my family has survived, what forces or powers could divide us? To my surprise, it wasn’t some glittering secret, outright betrayal, or violent violence. No crime was committed, no trust betrayed. No. What brought my family to the brink of fragmentation was… an elven doll.
Well, it wasn’t just about the elf doll. I have to make a disclaimer here: Christmas 2020 has been alliteratively referred to as “Corona Christmas,” and like millions of Americans, I was isolated, celebrating the holiday alone, hundreds of miles away from my family. So everything I know about this story is secondhand, revealed slowly through constant text messages from all involved.
Apparently, during a family gift exchange, my cousin gave my mother the aforementioned gift—a doll of Santa’s unpaid helper, who was wearing a shirt supporting a political candidate that my mother disliked (but that my cousin and his mother, i.e. my cousin’s sister, supported).
When my mother opened it, she felt embarrassed and uncomfortable (even though the cousin had meant it as a joke). This quickly turned to sadness, but another relative scolded her, saying it was a joke, and urged her to take it easier. Tears welled up in my mother’s eyes. Yet another looked shocked, so yet another jumped in the ring to defend both sides. Everyone else tried to imitate the wallpaper and disappear.
The whole thing was a disaster. My family left in a bad mood, and the people involved didn’t speak to each other for months (in one case over a year). You may find it amusing that such a small thing could lead to such an epic crisis, but I don’t think my family was the only one to experience this.
Our family’s Christmas crisis is just one example of deep-rooted misunderstandings that have exploded in our current political climate and show no signs of abating. With every passing year, the scathing rhetoric that dominates our nation’s debate grows more extreme and divisive. As politicians abandon civility, polarization turns differences into impenetrable barriers and missteps into war crimes. Passion about one’s opinion or faith in a favorite candidate can destroy lifelong friendships, drive spouses apart, and tear families apart.
Political passion is a good force. And fighting for what we understand to be justice according to our (well-formed) conscience is not only laudable, but obligatory for Catholics. But as Christians, every action we take must be tempered by the greatest virtue: love. When we forget this most important value in our conversations with others, every small interaction with a friend or associate becomes a potential Elfgate.
In his book, the Spiritual Exercises, St. Ignatius of Loyola gives some excellent advice, which he calls “presuppositions,” on how to lead with love despite differences of opinion and understanding. These presuppositions are among the list of instructions Ignatius gives to the retreat leader at the beginning of the Spiritual Exercises. He writes: “Every good Christian should be ready to interpret what others say in a kind way, rather than to condemn it. But if this is not possible, let him ask how he understands it, and if he misunderstands, let him correct it in love. And if this is not enough, let Christians try by all appropriate means to bring him to the right interpretation, so that he may be saved” (Translated and quoted in Catechism of the Catholic Church, 1997, §2578).
Notice that the assumption does not ask us to agree with our interlocutor, nor does it ask us to compromise our values or ideas. The assumption simply asks us to remember that the person we are speaking to is loved and exists by God just like us, and is just as sincere in stating his or her position as we are. It reminds us that disagreements do not have to be threatening or have meaning beyond disagreement in a particular situation. Assuming the best actually allows us to listen to one another. The adrenaline fight-or-flight response to potential danger is replaced by rational consideration, and in that calmer space, the elf doll ceases to be a vehicle for insults and ridicule, and becomes a disappointing joke, a junk gift. It may still cause pain, but the assumption allows us to assume that pain was not the giver’s intention.
In the end, long after Elfgate, my family was reunited by the force that had brought us together in the first place: love. My mother’s declining health and my father’s death allowed reality to overcome the pettiness and misunderstandings. Hearts hurt and then opened. Love began to flow again. Only in retrospect do I realize how lost those years were; those months when everyone involved was alive and active; time we could have spent together. Time is precious and every moment is irretrievable. Why waste it in misery?
Our friends and loved ones on the other side of the political chasm are just as good people as they always have been. As Election Day approaches, we can all benefit from beginning our interactions with that premise. In a divisive election year, let’s take a breather and remember that we don’t have to lose each other over politics.