Like most things in life, I approach raising six children in a slightly different style. I’m known to wash my hair in mud and polish wood with charcoal. It’s just as unconventional as raising a child. Today I share what this approach looks like, how it has evolved over the years, and how it is linked to our homeschool journey.
I don’t expect anyone to agree with me, but hopefully sharing my story will help you take something that resonates with you. I’m always trying to learn something from everyone I meet. I hope you approach these ideas with the same open mind! Even if you’re not homeschooled, I’ve discovered that this first principles approach to parenting can have some rather dramatic results!
You are your own infinite autonomous being
Yes, it’s pretty mouthful, but I really believe it about people! And since my kids are people, I treat them the same way. I’ll start here. Because this idea is the foundation of all my other parenting decisions. I consider my children to be inherently overall, capable and wise. They are born in nature, filled with curiosity, creativity and the ability to think critically.
Don’t you really understand?
Well, here’s an example. In 1968, many researchers tried to study the creativity of 1,600 kindergarten children. Their goal was to see the number of children who met the criteria for creative genius. Someone who can solve problems, think critically, and think outside the box.
They found that 98% of young children scored as creative geniuses. When I retested the same child at ages 10 and 15, my creativity score steadily plummeted to 12%. Which group of adults in their 30s who took the same test? They scored with 2% creativity. The old saying “If you don’t use it, you lose it” also applies to our creativity and decision-making process!
Paradigm shift
The biggest takeaway from the 1968 study was that children were born with these skills. Learning these things changed my mind about how I wanted to approach my child to parenting. I’m not trying to shape my kids into predefined types that I think I should. Instead, my parenting is trying to honor them as people.
Part of this approach involves the use of endogenous (rather than external motivation). Yes, the promise of sticker charts and reward cookies may get the action we want in the moment. However, when children can make that internal decision for themselves and see their value, positive habits are more likely to stick to them. Unlike traditional parenting (and education), this approach prioritizes connectivity and trust in different ways.
I’ll admit that older children were more structured when they were younger! I have some pushbacks from them as to how my parenting has changed with their younger siblings. It’s interesting to see their different opinions, but then again, they are each their own people.
Parenting as a guide and partner
I believe that my child is born with innate wisdom about his body, but wisdom also develops with age. I know I have benefited greatly from the shared life experiences and wisdom of others over the years. Similarly, I consider my role as a mother to be a mentor and guide for my children.
This involves respecting the child’s emotions, needs and experiences rather than simply relying on his own assumptions. I also don’t try to force them to do things and help them make their own informed decisions. One way I do this is to model positive behavior
Many people are surprised when I say I won’t let my kids eat healthy foods! Make sure our home has healthy food in stock and it’s available for them, but it’s up to them to eat it. And if they eat at a friend’s house, they must learn to make wise choices for themselves. With a little guidance, children can learn which foods make their bodies feel good and which foods they don’t.
We also insist that no one can really let anything. Ask the parents of toddlers who don’t want to eat broccoli!
Part of this is to help my children learn to regulate their emotions. Raising some (most) daily children can be difficult. This can lead to many overwhelming and challenging emotions. Instead of putting my child responsible for this, I try to take responsibility for my parenting trigger.
Make it attractive
Another lesson I learned how to do it is that we are off limiting it is something that children find attractive. When I was a teenager, I really wanted to stab my ears the second time. But my parents said no. When I left the house as an adult, I decided to get my earrings… many of them! At one point I had up to 33 piercings.
I finally realized that I don’t need (or really don’t want) that much. For another thing I wasn’t very comfortable sleeping anymore! Recently I had a perfect moment in this with my teenage daughter. She asked for a second ear piercing and I was delighted with interest and interest about it. We discussed what she thought, why she wanted it, and helped her come to an informed decision. It was also soothing for me to be able to explore that decision and, in a way, have that conversation.
Critics can argue that children cannot learn inherent motivations and boundaries unless external restrictions are given. But I really feel that when children are given space to experiment, fail, and learn within safe limits, there is a real structure. The idea for me is to build strong relationships through parents through connections instead of forced interaction.
Education has been rethinked
That said, my parenting approach also affects the way we homeschool. I like to think of it as a child-driven, curiosity-driven approach. I remember reading so many parenting and education books when my oldest was first approaching the school year. What I found was that many of them didn’t resonate with the way my kids wanted to learn and grow.
After a lot of research (and some trial and error), I adopted some core elements when it comes to education for my child.
Instead of external rewards and punishment, I prioritize essential motivation and lead my children’s interest in learning through practical life skills
Everyone has their own way of approaching children’s education, but in part it also depends on the requirements of the state. When it comes to homeschooling regulations, we live in a fairly free state. So my kids can check boxes for what the state needs quite quickly, then they can move freely into what I think is real learning!
In real life
So, what does this actually look like?
There are no typical homeschool days, but it is recommended that children learn what interest them. One son means reading a lot of books every week. Recently, I planned and implemented a remodeling of the entire room inside the house for my daughter. Planning room layouts, budgeting, building a library, and more… equipped with a rolling ladder! They took classes of anatomy, science and other subjects according to their passion.
It encourages practical life skills. Each of my kids had a contract with me and agreed that they had no cell phones or cars until they had a profitable business for a year. We make a lot of field trips and they take ownership, show leadership and chase the plans.
In the case of unconventional education
This approach can be a shock to some. Don’t you need all your school subjects every day? Don’t your kids need to be in the classroom for 8 hours? What about the multiple choice test page to make sure they are learning? These things are not inherently bad, but they challenge what is necessary for true education.
When I remember my primary school education, I remember very little of the facts I learned in my textbooks. What I remember is the experience and pursuit of challenges and interest in me.
Something really shocked me? It turns out that children who literally didn’t get a formal schooling would not take a year to fully catch up with their peers if they later decided to go to college. The key here is that they catch up quickly when they have internal motivations to learn. My friend, Elder Jesse, had a similar experience. He never received a traditional schooling, but that did not prevent him from becoming a very successful entrepreneur. You can hear more about him on the podcast.
For over a decade, researchers know that immature children in schools can thrive in university settings. They pointed out that schoolless students who went to college (including Ivy League schools) can easily adapt to academics and quickly pick up the skills they need. Students reported that self-motivation and self-learning were advantageous over their peers. 20-50% of these students pursued STEM careers requiring advanced mathematics and science courses.
Addressing unconventional parenting concerns
One common concern is that this child-driven approach may lack the required structure. However, I have discovered that with some help and guidance, children can learn internal discipline. If they’re not used to this, there may be a period of adjustment.
Another common objection is what about socialization? Among youth groups, track meets, tumbling classes, and other groups, my experience is that homeschooled children can have many opportunities for socialization! It also challenges the idea that children need to just be with their peers all day. Having a mix of age and diversity groups can help you learn to interact with all kinds of people.
Examples of this approach to education
The idea of moving away from traditional education is a very spiritual leap for most people. My research has found some interesting examples of this throughout history.
Thomas Edison, perhaps one of the most influential inventors in history, was fired from his local school home. The teacher said he was “added” and decided that he could not learn, so he sent him home. In a total of three months in traditional school, Edison was essentially homeschooled by his mother instead. He taught himself primarily through reading, research and experimentation.
Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the phone, is another example. He attended school for about four years before dropping out and learning himself. Prolative author Agatha Christie was also homeschooled and taught herself to read in a younger age. Abraham Lincoln was homeschooled and mostly self-taught. Sandra Day O’Connor, the first female Supreme Court judge, recognized her strong foundation in her critical thinking during her early homeschool days.
There are many more examples of this, but I think you get an idea! In a more personal note, I saw the flowers of creativity in my children. My kids constantly surprise me with solutions that are far better than what I gave them!
Important points and final thoughts
This approach demands more from parents, but we found deeper connections and trust worth it. I’m certainly not perfect, but I’m trying to treat my child as my infinite, autonomous being. To approach them with curiosity and help them guide them to develop their own innate skills.
I know this method is really outside the box for many people, but I hope you can approach it with curiosity.
I want to hear what you think! Did this resonate with you? How do you approach parenting and education?
