YYou don’t have to agree with someone’s politics to appreciate their writing. Roald Dahl was a terrible anti-Semite, but he came up with a story about four grandparents who were in bed 24/7. That gives us all hope.
So I was intrigued to learn that Kash Patel, Donald Trump’s pick for FBI Director, has written a trilogy of veiled political children’s books called The Plot Against the King. Ta. The king is, you guessed it, Trump. And what about the plot? Well, let’s get there.
Political children’s books are my thing, so the first book in the series seemed like the perfect place to dig into it. As a writer for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, I wrote a book called A Day in the Life of Marlon Bando about Mike Pence’s family rabbits. In the book, Marlon falls in love with another rabbit boy and fights a homophobic stink bug. I also wrote about a snail that was mistreated when it moved to a new forest, and about several otters named Duffle and Nudge who learn to vote.
Is it a bit on the nose? absolutely. So I decided to read Patel’s equally scathing book with an open mind. But I can’t put off saying any more. This book is bad.
I’m not insulting that because I think Patel would make a bad FBI director (I do!). Unfortunately, I’m not sure which noun applies here, but I’m judging this children’s book purely on its merits. There is a distinction between art and artists.
Unless you’re in a coma, you already know the story of The Plot Against the King.
Now, is it wise to review a book by a man who maintains a list of enemies and may soon dominate federal law enforcement? Not so. So let’s start with the positives:
Laura Vincent’s illustrations are colorful, clever, and kid-friendly. There was indeed a picture of “Hilary Queenton,” and it looked like the assignment was “Draw Christine Baranski six minutes after being attacked by a bee.” But even that is fun.
Every once in a while, there are some ridiculous phrases that should be in a children’s book. The duke refers to a “horrible, tragic, tangled web of rumors,” and it’s a lot of fun to say. Picture books are meant to be read aloud, and like food and wine, they need to be pleasant on the palate. At best, Patel’s writing tells us that.
Now…everything else.
Unless you’ve been in a coma since 2015, you probably already know the story of The Plot Against the King. It airs about 26 times a day on Fox News. But here’s the flavor:
The book begins with the Day of Choice, the day when “all the land assembled in the castle to choose the next ruler of the kingdom.” Let me just say that if you want to write a children’s book about elections, it might be best not to set it in a monarchy.
The king is not chosen! Ask anyone over the age of 4 and they’ll tell you that the King is the ultimate Nepobaby.
The candidates are “merchant” Donald Trump and a woman named Hillary Queenton. After Trump wins an unexpected victory, the local Herald newspaper subtly holds up banners reading NYT, CNN, and the Post, alleging that the Donald cheated.
I… distinguish between art and artist, but unfortunately I’m not sure which noun applies here.
What are their claims? Trump colluded with the “Russians.” This is a claim the Herald learned from a newspaper report that Queenton’s “sneaky slug” had slipped into an “iron box”. All of this makes perfect sense in a children’s book, as we all know that young children are fascinated by the intricacies of alphabet blocks, honking trucks, and Steele documents. If you want your children to fully understand this story, I recommend that Kinsley and Brayden spend a lot of time with Truth Social.
Needless to say, there’s only one person who can save Donald Trump and the entire kingdom: a wizard named Kash. Go figure.
To be fair, plot is rarely important in children’s books. Great ones include pigeons driving buses, an aversion to unnaturally colored eggs and ham, or a detailed list of people who pooped (everyone!). What’s important is the writing.
Patel’s writing is mostly competent but lacks artistry. The text is long for a picture book (or even a graduation thesis in some cases), so it can be difficult for parents to read it aloud. for example:
“But all these quests were easy for Kash, and as the sun rose and set in the Land of the Free, Kash found himself in grave danger of boredom, not trolls or ogres. I did.”
37 words! That’s only eight words less than the entire First Amendment. This is the very amendment I will be citing when I am arrested by the FBI for this review. There’s some fun stuff here for kids, but there’s also a lot that’s off-putting.
That said, I know I’m not the reader for this story. I don’t know if your kids are either. If you’re wondering who this book is for, ask, “Who has the childlike heart of someone who wants to hear stories about how handsome, smart, and right about everything Donald Trump is?” ?”
“A Plot Against the King” was written for one audience: King Donald Trump. And the book was a great success for Kash Patel, as the king appointed the wizard Kash to head the federation.
What about the rest of us? There aren’t that many.
