This season, many clients have expressed anxiety and stress about political differences with family members. Anticipating cruel accusations, aggressive arguments, and insensitive remarks may make many of us feel a knot in our chests. They fear holiday gatherings in hopes of false happiness and harmony.
Source: Photo by Hannah Busing on Unsplash
I work with a couple named James and Maddie. This year, they welcomed their first child and were eager to share the joy with their extended family. Unfortunately, James had two young nephews who were not vaccinated against childhood illnesses. James’ sister and brother-in-law were furious after he and Maddie refused to attend Thanksgiving with their newborn baby, following an online anti-vaccination movement.
James and Maddie tearfully recounted a long email exchange between their families. James emailed his sister’s research showing the effectiveness of childhood vaccines in preventing deadly diseases (Talbird, et al., 2022). His sister responded with an email calling them “stupid” and “brainwashed.” The angry comments felt mean, and she felt deprived of family connection during her baby’s first holiday season.
The importance of social support
A vast body of research shows the relationship between health, well-being, and family support (Thomas, et al., 2017). A strong family acts as a buffer against stress. People who maintain connections with loved ones enjoy better health and well-being (Thoits, 2010). Warm relationships promote healthy behaviors and further enhance the physical and psychological benefits of family support (Reczek, et al., 2014).
Positive family connections reduce the body’s allostatic load (physiological exhaustion). Healthy relationships strengthen both your immune system and cardiovascular system function. Our bodies feel the effects of relationships, whether hostile or affectionate (Seeman, et al., 2002).
Overcoming Family Discord During the Holidays
The heartache caused by family discord is felt most acutely during the holidays. The end of each year is a time to remember family history, childhood traditions, and those we have lost. As the days get shorter and the weather gets colder, many people can feel depressed. Connecting with family can feel both impossible and absolutely necessary.
When there is discord in the family, we become overly focused on our own point of view. James felt very angry that his sister wouldn’t vaccinate her children, but he couldn’t see beyond his point of view. James and Maddie decide to leave home to protect their newborn baby. James blamed his sister for ruining his vacation.
For other families, choosing between attending or hosting a holiday event can feel mentally and physically taxing. Political polarization tears apart and damages family relationships. We sometimes forget that politics is temporary, but family is forever. When you’re feeling heartbroken in the moment, it helps to take a longer perspective.
I often ask my clients, “If your family member was injured in a car accident and hospitalized, would you rush to the hospital or would you avoid the hospital because of political differences?” . Some family members feel so unsafe that even a hospital emergency does not resolve the estrangement.
Sometimes the frustration of difference can seem significant, like James and Maddie’s decision to protect their newborn. However, over time, those differences may change. It helps sow the seeds of reconciliation.
James and Maddie told the family they were following their pediatrician’s advice. Having everyone in the family vaccinated creates a “circle of safety” to protect a newborn’s fragile immune system. If your family is up to date on vaccinations, they are welcome to visit. Otherwise, families must wait to meet their baby until they and their child are fully vaccinated.
I encouraged James and Maddie to think long-term about their family relationships. The holiday season without relatives wasn’t permanent.
Over time, relationships can and do improve. Try these proven suggestions.
Respect autonomy and treat with dignity: Every family member has the right to make their own decisions. Take responsibility for your own choices and treat others with respect. You can be kind and still disagree. Don’t label and stereotype. All family members have compelling reasons for their choices. When we categorize someone with derogatory comments such as “stupid” or “free-spirited,” we distort and belittle their humanity. We don’t like it, so we shouldn’t do it. Additionally, negative labels narrow our thinking and fuel more conflict. Share something positive and uplifting. Express your love and compassion. If you’re planning on attending a stressful family gathering, bring a story, game, delicious food, or funny joke to share. Focus on how you can improve yourself and your family’s holidays. When we focus on uplifting others, we feel uplifted (Curry, et al., 2018). Don’t “should” yourself. When we focus on imagining how events “should” play out, our suffering increases. Our expectations amplify our dissatisfaction. It helps you accept reality as it is, rather than getting hung up on how you think others should behave. We cope better when we are flexible and adapt to reality, rather than clinging to rigid expectations of others. Mental flexibility is a sign of mental health (Kashdan, et al., 2010).
James and Maddie agreed that the disappointment over vaccination issues and the stress of having their first child compounded their hurt feelings. They recognized their own disrespectful behavior and wanted to make choices that would help their families heal in the future. James called his sister and apologized for his outburst and rude language. His sister then apologized for her meanness and hurtful comments. They admitted they loved each other and their relationship was important.
James and Maddie have agreed not to attend the traditional big family gathering at his parents’ home this year. I encouraged them to cultivate fun traditions for their new families. Their mood lightened as they focused on the fun plans they were making together. Spending the holidays at home this year meant something different. They opened their hearts to the possibility of joy.
