Dear Annie: I have known “Martha” for 42 years. I’ve always thought our friendship was unstable, but I’ve forgiven her for her actions because of her difficult upbringing. Even as we grow up, not much has changed. She gets angry over nothing and sometimes won’t talk to me for months. As a child, it was important to make other friends and attend different classes. As an adult, our different lifestyles became an issue, with her changing religions multiple times and becoming vegan, but I found it difficult to connect with people who disagreed with her opinions and customs. I didn’t cut it off. Despite this situation, I have always thought about her family.
We were both single mothers, and our youngest was in her 40s. I am 14 years old and she is 11 years old. Several years ago, Martha inherited a large fortune from her wealthy uncle. At that time, she told me that “we are family” and that if she inherited a large amount of money, she would share some of it with me. I thanked her but said I didn’t expect anything.
Unfortunately, due to a temporary falling out, I couldn’t say when she received the money, so I didn’t know how much she received, but it was life-changing. She bought herself a house, multiple cars, an apartment for her eldest son, and gave her adult children lots of money. We were both struggling financially, so I was really happy for her and never brought up her offer to give me some of the money.
Later, when we started talking again, she told me again that we were family and that I should ask if I needed anything. I made it clear that I didn’t want to ask her for money, but she insisted that she loved me, that we were family, and that’s what she wanted from me.
Back about a year ago, my youngest son noticed that his teeth were misaligned and basically stopped smiling. It broke my heart. I found a company that could help me with aligners, but I couldn’t get financing. After exhausting all other options, I finally decided to ask Martha for help. It was hard, but she told me repeatedly that she wanted to be there for me, and I foolishly believed her. I asked if I could borrow $2,000 for treatment and promised to pay it back. She immediately agreed and said it wasn’t necessary, saying, “You’re family, so I’m happy to give it to you.” I was filled with gratitude and literally cried tears of gratitude and told her I would pay her back, but she insisted it wasn’t necessary.
Now, about a year later, she’s angry at me over our political differences. She has been sending me hurtful messages lately saying that I am selfish and that by asking for that money I am disrespecting her for doing something for her “real family”. Ta. When I reminded her of my many offers, she said she never expected me to actually ask her to lend me money, and that even if I did, it wouldn’t be very expensive. Ta. She said she was $2,000 short of buying another house because of my request, but that seems unlikely to me. I think her anger is over our political differences.
I was torn. A part of me wants to break off the relationship, send her $2,000, and move on because I learned a painful lesson at the cost of our 42 years of friendship. But the other side wants to forgive her, return the money and continue the friendship. I feel sad and ashamed for asking her for help and feel I should have known better. No matter how difficult life is, I never ask for help, and this is a very harsh reminder of why. — contradictory
Dear Conflict: Real, meaningful friendships should not be like a roller coaster where kindness is given one moment and weaponized the next. Even if you and Martha have a “good” relationship, it’s only a matter of time before the other shoe drops and Martha gets mad again.
If you can afford it, give her money back and distance yourself from this toxic behavior. Just because you’ve been friends for this long doesn’t mean you’re obligated to stay in the relationship and be abused.
“How can I forgive my cheating partner?” has appeared! Annie Lane’s second anthology features popular columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation, and is available as paperback and e-book. For more information, please visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com. Please send any questions about Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.
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