Dear Lucas: Even before the election, I was afraid that politics would come up at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Every year, it becomes an awkward moment when someone says something to someone else. Most of the time I just sit there and wait for it to be over, but this year I’ve decided to avoid fighting anymore. I haven’t seen many of my relatives this year, so I want to be closer to them. How can I get my family to stop doing politics altogether?
Dear reader, what do you mean you don’t want to spend a second of the next four years discussing our Lord and Savior, Donald Trump?
It feels wrong to ruin Thanksgiving by subjecting loved ones to political rants and gloating, but the truth is that the holiday’s history of spreading propaganda and dispelling atrocities is extremely important. is in good agreement with
That’s why you should overcome this year’s misfortune with your resolve. There’s a reason why religion and politics are always referred to as the twin horsemen that ruin a perfect time. Why not try combining them?
When your little brother has a mouth full of mashed potatoes, grab his face and pull him closer to make uncomfortably eye contact. Ask him if the insect god is called Shai-Hurd or Shaitan. If he said the latter, he is clearly a heretic and must be punished (no pie). If it’s the former, it’s okay (just in case). If he simply stares at you with a look of fear and confusion, it means he is a true believer. A true believer, he’ll be able to keep up with discussions of imperial politics until the Dallas Cowboys make their sixth interception or Grandma takes out the cobbler (whichever comes first).
Once the other people at the table see how crazy you’ve become over the past year, they’ll be able to put aside their petty arguments and get at least one more Thanksgiving before they lose their marbles forever. You may be truly grateful.
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Look at this handsome man. His name is Lucas. He’s going to write more columns like this, even though common sense says he should stop doing this while he’s in the lead. If you would like to send hate mail or seek advice from him for any reason, please email him at ldaprile@cleveland.com.
