Dear Eric: I have a friend who I have been friends with for about 10 years. We both share the opinion that Lean has left. In the past, we have shared many dinners discussing the topics of our country’s inequality and other political types. My friends constantly lament how unfair our society is.
My friend has two houses paid back, retired early and sat with lots of money. She could actually do something with her own money to help people who were physically and financially inadequately serviced, but that’s not the case. She is constantly on this soap box and I can’t take it anymore.
Standing up to her with what I saw knows that her own hypocrisy is not going to work. The last time I had one of these conversations, it made me very uncomfortable. I asked her why this talks to me about so many things and what purpose it served as we can’t solve the world’s problems. She said, “You have a good idea and maybe you have a solution.” Well, I have a good idea, and that she sells her second home, funds a university scholarship and pays drug/alcohol rehabilitation for those who want it, Providing them with things like homes, used cars, day care and more is a problem. She was able to change and improve dozens of lives on her own.
I think my solution comes like a lot of bricks, but when she has the ability to do really good things rather than actually telling really good things in this world, I feel anxious I’m tired of hearing about it. Please let us know.
– I’ll do it
Dear: I don’t understand why I can’t provide the suggestions listed here. If you’re afraid to leave as if you’re too arbitrary, frame them as suggestions, or find a charity or nonprofit organization you want to support and ask if she’ll join you please.
If you expect the solution to rise like a massive amount of bricks, you have nothing to lose. And who knows, one of those bricks may lay the foundation for more philanthropy.
Dear Eric: My husband has a block that he cannot buy flowers mentally. I think he is intentionally incompetent. It’s not as if he was beaten with a bouquet or fed them as a child. I would like to buy it myself and choose my own bouquet, so I tried to negotiate with him. But he wants/advocates the job of purchasing them and the privilege of withholding from me.
He wants strength. It’s insane for him to try to control the flowers.
I don’t have time to shake my mouth about “wanting” just not smart enough to grasp flowers in our small town. He seems to depend on controlling the flowers in our house (he has no allergies).
He literally bought me less than 10 flowers in 30 years, so I think he wants an audience for the act of buying flowers.
– Flowering has lost its strength
Dear Flowers: Whatever your husband says, make it like Mrs Dalloway, the character Mrs. Virginia Woolf, and buy your own flowers. He can’t tell you when and how to get flowers. And you don’t need to engage in it before or after. You can also set up regular pickups and delivery from your favorite florists. This is a great way to support small businesses and bypass his antics.
His actions are controlled and concerning. And it’s worth asking what this really is.
Your husband may think that when you buy flowers for yourself, he is deprived of the opportunity to give you a loving gesture, but he does not make you feel like you have autonomy and your own preferences. If you can’t accept that you have, and I guess there’s a bigger problem here. If he was flipping over that he just wanted to buy them, that’s one thing (is a problem but can be fixed). However, withholding tax is completely different. Why is he in hell taking away your joy?
Your husband should not try to control what you are doing. It is important to have a serious conversation that places boundaries about the flowers and what lies behind them. However, I would suggest you look at other areas of your marriage and family life and evaluate them to control your behavior. Even if this is isolated, it can be helpful to talk to friends and loved ones about what’s going on, and get external perspective and support when needed.
Submit your questions to R. Eric Thomas at PO Box 22474 in Philadelphia, PA. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for our weekly newsletter at Rericthomas.com.
