This essay is based on a conversation with Jeannie Assimos, a 52-year-old vice president at a fintech company. The following has been edited for length and clarity.
I got married for the first time when I was 40. For most of my life, I didn’t want to get married. The idea of being a wife and mother just didn’t appeal to me. I wanted to be independent, and I loved the idea of being a career woman.
In my teens and twenties, even when I had committed boyfriends, I refused to have any conversation about marriage. I wanted control over my life, and I didn’t think that was possible with a husband.
My beliefs unexpectedly changed in my mid-30s
I became editor in chief at eHarmony, where I worked for 10 years, overseeing content for all of the company’s sites, including its two marriage advice websites.
I became obsessed with people planning their weddings, wearing beautiful dresses, and having the parties of a lifetime. Around the same time, all my friends were getting married and having kids, and for the first time in my life, I felt jealous.
Everyone seemed to be living a fairytale life, and I wondered if I should be too. At the time, I had been dating someone for five years and thought marriage would be the next step. In 2012, we decided to get married. He didn’t want to get married, but I insisted.
I quickly realized I had made a huge mistake: I didn’t want to get married. It took me another four years to decide to divorce. I was not happy and he was not the right long-term partner for me.
It was hard to leave the marriage
It took me another 2 years to get out of my 4 year marriage. It wasn’t easy. My ex-husband didn’t want to end the relationship. I desperately wanted to move on.
Divorce made me realize how much of a business transaction marriage is because I was legally bound to that person, and when I wanted to get divorced, I lost thousands of dollars in assets and time.
After my divorce was finalized in 2016, I vowed to never marry again.
I’ve been with my partner for five years and I don’t want to get married.
Ten months after my divorce was finalized, I started dating casually again. I had no desire to get serious with anyone. After a few years, I felt empty and realized I wanted a partner and companion without the legal formalities of marriage.
My current partner and I have been together for five years and are both happy in our loving relationship. We both feel the same way about marriage being just a legal agreement.
He has been married 3 times but I don’t mind and he agrees that we don’t need to bring legal agreements into our relationship.
Marriage doesn’t give me the security it gives to others.
For some, marriage brings commitment and security. For others, it’s a psychological thing, and once you sign the legal documents, you feel together in every sense of the word.
I didn’t think of it that way. I was always very conscious of the risk that marriages could end. Even good marriages that seem like they’ll stay together forever often end. I never believed in the cliche “’til death do us part.”
You don’t have to depend on anyone financially
I’ve been building my career for 20 years and am now a vice president at a fintech company. I make six figures a year and live a comfortable life. Some people think of marriage as a way to pool assets and rely on your partner for financial support, but I don’t care. My partner and I share things, but we’re not set in stone on that basis.
I want to keep my finances separate from my partner. I want full control over my money. The only benefit marriage has brought to my life is the tax benefits. As a single person, I am taxed 2% more than I was when I was married.
My partner and I live the same life as a married couple.
Although my partner and I are not married, we live the same lifestyle as a married couple: we live together, have similar hobbies, spend most of our time together, make plans for the future, and hope to grow old together.
We communicate about each other’s schedules and plans and respect each other’s decisions. We co-parent an adorable Miniature Pinscher named Johnny Cash. He is practically our child. There is no legally binding contract.
I wish more people would think about marriage before they get married.
I don’t regret getting married because the experience has led me to a more authentic life. Marriage has helped me find a partner who is more suited to me and we are completely on the same page.
It is a rash decision to marry someone if you are not 100% sure and have not taken enough time to know who you are going to be with. Time reveals all the good and bad about a person. Hold off on falling in love and wait to make a decision until you have gone through different phases of your life with your partner.
Want to share your story? Email Lauryn Haas at lhaas@businessinsider.com.
