On this week’s episode of Code Switch, we spoke to a young woman who said on Election Day: “I’m disgusted by the blood that runs through my veins, because I’m related to these people.” By “these people,” she meant relatives who supported presidential candidates she found abhorrent. That was what I was referring to. She went on to say that you would have to be “next level stupid or next level evil” to support the candidate.
And look, Homegirl clearly didn’t mince words. But to be honest, they didn’t surprise me. Because these words echo a sentiment I’ve heard repeatedly over the years: the pain and immense frustration of watching loved ones make decisions you don’t like. Because there is.
So what do you do about it? Many people are grappling with this problem, especially as the holidays approach. How should we approach people whose beliefs and actions challenge the very core of what we believe is right and good, whether or not we might break bread with them?
(Editor’s note: This is an excerpt from Code Switch’s Up All Night newsletter. You can sign up here.)
There are many approaches, some of which have been discussed previously. And, needless to say, I think it’s okay to opt out of spaces that make you feel unsafe or uncomfortable. (Thanksgiving is only two weeks away, which is plenty of time to remove the invitation from Cousin Jan’s potluck.)
However, if you decide to participate in an event where you will get close to someone whose opinion you strongly disagree with, it is worth keeping a few things in mind.
1. There is no need to label someone ultimately good or bad. In her new book, Are You Still Talking to Grandma?, author Britt Barron writes, “We have always known that there are heroes and villains, good and bad, right and wrong, and that we can be heroes.” We’re trying to create a world where we can be good and right, and people like categories and boxes and clean lines.”But humans are complex, and it’s important to recognize that. Especially if you have a desire to persuade someone to change their beliefs (or to persuade them to change their beliefs).
2. There is no need to ignore reality or tolerate reality. In a pod conversation a few years ago, author Ashley C. Ford rejected that false binary. She said, “I can decide how I want to go through reality. I can decide how I want to react to reality. But the most important thing is to just accept reality. I think so.” She then asked the following questions: “What are you going to do every day while you’re living your life? Are you going to deny reality and live in a place where you think, ‘I am?'” What makes you love this person is that they are Was it just because I chose to forget that I had done something terrible and heinous? Or do you think this is reality and I love you? I can’t forgive you and I never will try. “
3. There is no need to deny your humanity. In times of deep political division, people, especially marginalized groups, are encouraged to sacrifice their differences for the sake of purportedly nobler ideals such as “unity” and “civility.” There is often pressure to set aside. At times like these, it’s worth remembering the eternal words of James Baldwin. “Unless your disagreements are rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to life, we can disagree and still love each other.” And then say it again: But if you do, feel free to cancel your dinner plans and spend your one precious life with people who believe your life is precious.
This story was written by Leah Donella and edited by Courtney Stein.
