aAt this point in the election season, you might be just as interested in voting for the outspoken uncle in your family as you are in voting for the next president of the United States. Differences in political views can tear families apart and leave everyone feeling like they’re walking on eggshells before November 5th.
“There’s a lot of stress, knowing that everyone is nervous about this,” said Jenna Glover, chief clinical officer at mental health app Headspace. “Some people have actually lost relationships, and it’s important to recognize how that affects our mental health.”
With that in mind, we asked experts exactly what to say to a relative who despises politics to keep (or restore) peace in the family.
“I’m not going to talk about politics today.”
You know what they say: never mix religion, politics, and money together. Setting clear boundaries is one of the most effective ways to preemptively crush disagreements, experts agree. Make your intentions clear in advance: Before hosting your child’s birthday celebration or gathering for a Halloween costume party, reach out to your family and establish some guidelines, says Provo, Utah Psychological. says therapist Bradford Stucki. “Suggest a politics-free zone for the gathering,” he advises. Emphasize that you want to keep the focus on the children and the festivities at hand, and ask for a commitment to avoid polarizing topics. If the conversation continues to go in that direction, end the conversation by saying, “Okay, that’s enough,” or “I’m not going to talk about that today.”
Read more: How to set boundaries with relatives, according to a family therapist
“Can you tell me a story that will help me understand how you came to believe that?”
If you’re sitting at the kitchen table with your family and they say something contrary to what you believe politically, take a breath and summon your curiosity. Then ask them to talk about personal experiences that shaped their perspective. “Our most polarizing conversations are often exchanges of talking points taken out of context,” says John, a professor and professor of religious studies at Southern Methodist University in Dallas and a nonprofit that helps people build relationships. said Jill DeTemple, an associate at the for-profit organization Essential Partners. Beyond differences.
Asking the story behind someone’s beliefs helps us understand that our families are complex and that their thoughts move from a place we recognize, even if we don’t agree with the thoughts. It helps you remember what might be coming. “I may not fundamentally agree with my uncle’s ideas about guns, but his stories about the sense of accomplishment and belonging he felt after shooting his grandfather’s rifle for the first time speak volumes about how much he inspired me as a child. It helps me remember how kind I was,” she says. DeTemple asks, “Do I have dinner with my family because I want people to think the same way I do, or because I want to be reminded that I’m part of something bigger? ?” I encourage you to ask yourself.
“If I only listened to what was on your newsfeed, I would probably think the same thing. But I’ve had a different experience in life.”
This approach resonates with Neelin Parker, executive director of Common Ground USA, an organization focused on peacebuilding. She sees this as a gentle reminder that even the most compelling news stories “do not apply equally to everyone’s life.” Additionally, it can be a helpful way to remind people that the most knowledgeable and honest opinions are often based on real-life experience, Parker says. Doing so can open the door to a conversation centered around a desire for mutual understanding.
“What compromises or solutions might work for both parties?”
Glover advises looking for common ground in politically charged conversations. One way to do this is to raise the topic of potential compromises and solutions, rather than focusing on disagreements. Doing so will help you and Cousin Bob unite. Discuss how the two of you can address the economic and medical issues that you feel strongly about. Glover said: “How can we find a solution that is inclusive and works for most people?” These brainstorming sessions encourage people to feel part of the same team and are more productive than picking fights. she says.
Read more: 11 things to say to convince someone to vote
“Please tell me more.”
It may seem counterintuitive, but Parker likes this tactic. This is because if you can convince the other person that you really want to hear their opinion, they tend to move from verbal abuse to conversation. “It can make people reconsider their most inflammatory comments and sometimes even make them want to hear more about your beliefs,” she says. So the next time your brother starts bashing your favorite candidate, ask him to elaborate on where he’s coming from. Then you may be surprised how quickly the temperature in the room will drop.
“May I have your permission to share my views?”
While it’s okay to share your perspective with people on the other side of the political spectrum, Glover prefers to start the conversation by asking for permission. This is a technique commonly used in counseling called “pull, give, pull.” First, find out what other people’s perspectives are. Next, offer your own perspective. Finally, ask the other person for their reaction. “The other person actively says, ‘Yes, I want to hear it,’ so they feel more open than before,” she says. “And of course, even if they say no, that’s good for you. Why waste your breath on someone who won’t listen?” In 20 years, she had never had someone refuse to listen to her opinion.
“I respect you, but we see the world differently, and I would like the opportunity to learn from each other.”
This phrasing is effective because it lets your family know that while you may disagree with them, you intend to have a respectful discussion and genuinely want to understand where they are coming from. Parker says that’s because they can. However, it is important that you mean what you say. If you don’t want to learn something from your relatives or maintain a relationship with them, that’s fine, but in those cases it’s usually best not to get involved. If you decide to proceed, aim to speak one-on-one. Privacy makes conversations more constructive. And remember, good things don’t happen overnight. “One conversation is unlikely to make a huge difference,” Parker says, but it’s a beginning that builds over time.
“Maybe we can reconsider this conversation when you’re both more calm.”
If you notice that you and your loved ones are nervous, your pulse may start to increase or your chest may feel tight, step away. “As humans, when we feel pushed, we tend to push back,” Glover said. That alone won’t make the conversation go well. By offering to revisit things later, “you’re basically letting go of a balloon that’s about to burst and saying, ‘Let’s take a break.’ That way, we’re both getting our point across.” “You can avoid saying things you want,” Grover added, “and you’ll regret it later.”
Read more: How to survive election season without losing your sanity
“So, I’m going to vote for a candidate who will stimulate the economy, cut taxes, and… prosecute people who take their shoes off on planes.”
Sometimes humor is the best tool to defuse a heated situation. That’s why a simple comedic device called the “comic triple” works so well, says Paul Oshincup, comedian and author of “The Humor Habit.” The idea is to list three things. The first two should be obvious or mundane, and the third should be interesting or surprising. Using this technique, he says, “you can gently steer the conversation toward lighter topics, such as irritation.” Your family will probably start laughing and agree, “I get that, that’s so gross!” Or, Oshincup added, they might address the aversions they’d want to abolish if they were president. “You feel more connected when everyone is in on the joke,” he says. “Sharing laughter is empathy in action.”
“I’ll just be happy when all the campaign commercials are over. It’s ridiculous!”
There is another way to bring smiles to your family’s faces. Describe what a political attack ad against you (or one of them) looks like. Oshincup suggests: Would you like to entrust your money to Cappuccino Kyle? “They’re making fun of a fairly universally shared experience of hating political commercials, and they’re directing that humor at themselves,” Oshincup says. He recommends giving yourself a nickname (preferably with alliteration) and delivering your ad in a vibrant, dramatic voice.
“Maybe the Cowboys will beat the Eagles this year.”
If things start to go downhill at Ms. Grover’s family gatherings, she redirects them to the topic of sports, where she has the same energy but feels much safer. After all, it’s a lot more fun to fight over football teams than political parties. And remember. If your family is determined to fight and not stop voting, you do not need to participate. “Some people continue to create an unhealthy environment, which impairs your judgment,” she says. “Take control of what you can and realize that sometimes there is nothing you can do but remove yourself from the situation.”
