From left: Suzanne Scheyerman, Nicole Holliday, Barbara Schmidt, Marcella Yearwood and her husband, Deborah Wagner Presented by: Suzanne Scheyerman, Nicole Holliday, Barbara Schmidt, Marcella Yearwood, Deborah Wagner hide caption
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Courtesy of Suzanne Scheierman, Nicole Holliday, Barbara Schmidt, Marcella Yearwood, and Deborah Wagner
The holidays are officially upon us, and with them comes traditions, delicious food, and quality time with loved ones. Everyone wants to go into this season optimistic about positive interactions. But the recent presidential election and other headline-grabbing news can spark politically polarizing debates.
No one wants an argument to start while passing out dinner rolls. To help, NPR asked Up First newsletter readers to share tips on how they navigated difficult conversations over the holidays.
Answers have been edited for length and clarity.
1. Set rules and boundaries
Suzanne Scheierman of Vancouver, Washington, said her brother was a Republican and her late mother was a very liberal person. Every holiday, her brother would “torment her mother by bringing up politics.” One year she hosted Thanksgiving, she took matters into her own hands by taping the rules to the door. Number 1 on the list: You can’t discuss politics or religion.
2. Change the subject
“The best advice for getting out of an unfair political conversation is to shift your focus to your job or career,” wrote Dave Fano of Camarillo, California. He says these topics are relatable and capture people’s attention.
3. Add curiosity to the conversation
Lindsey Horvatich, who lives in Orlando, Florida, says she thinks differently than the rest of her family. As a mental health therapist, she also deals with awkward conversations at work every day. She says she is not one to avoid conflict and has learned that we all see things differently because we are all different people.
“These conversations actually work better if we start with curiosity rather than judgment. Curiosity opens the door to empathy and compassion, but judgment only breeds division and shame,” Horvatic said. “Difficult conversations don’t have to turn into large-scale conflicts if we work to create safe spaces and build mutual trust.”
4. It’s okay to walk away
When Nicole Holliday of Pasadena, California, was 23 years old, she felt unwelcome and hurt at a family celebration where she stood up for what she thought was right. At the time, her job involved union organizing. She shared her experience of being arrested during a peaceful protest on social media. “When I walked into my grandmother’s house for Thanksgiving, she didn’t even say hello. She told me that I was embarrassed, that I had been raised better than to be a criminal, and that if I brought that up, she would kick me out. I said I was deaf,” Holliday said. She voluntarily left work that day, but then attended a family holiday. Fourteen years later, she says she wishes she had left home more often. “This was one of many things that happened over the years to show me that I was always unwelcome,” she said.
5. Compromise
Holiday disagreements aren’t always political. Caleb Fred of Westport, Conn., disagreed with his cousin about decorating the Christmas tree one year. The key to dealing with these situations, he says, is to be open to compromise and focus on the big picture to avoid escalating disagreements. “We listened to each other’s ideas and found ways to fuse them, which made the experience more enjoyable.”
Similarly, Barbara Schmidt of Metuchen, New Jersey, said her family of Mennonite pacifists has a peacekeeping strategy for avoiding conflict: listening, defusing, and finding common ground. He said it was written. These rules make her loved ones “skilled escalators”, even if they still quarrel.
6. Make a backup plan
Deborah Wagner of Cincinnati, Ohio, said her family is very divided politically, which has led to long periods of estrangement. For this reason, she accepted a family of her own choosing. “We share mutual values and unconditional love. We have created our own traditions for each holiday. The path of peace and love has made the holidays more enjoyable.” she wrote.
Marcella Yearwood of Mount Dora, Fla., said she’s also creating her own traditions by finding activities that allow her to find peace with people who bring her joy instead of anxiety. She still visits relatives for short periods of time, but tells them in advance that she has other commitments. “When I first made this choice, I was filled with guilt and anxiety,” she says. “As the years have passed and I have practiced this more and more, I now feel more comfortable being alone than with people I am related to.”
